Ryan Prins' Blog

It’s always easy to spot the interns.

Let’s face it: Hopeful, eager souls stick out against a sea of employees whose working-world lifeblood was sucked out eons ago.

Still, we thought the men and women of Internland � and their bosses � might benefit from a few office ground rules.

Intern:

� Offer to take on any and all menial tasks your boss wants to dump on somebody else for three months. This basically defines the word “intern.”

� Don’t flirt in your temporary office space. Refrain from whispering sweet nothings, even if they’re directed at the company aquarium. Little greetings such as “Hi, cute little fish mouth!” could be taken the wrong way if Mr. or Ms. Bossperson happens to be sitting right beside said aquarium.

� Office supplies are for company business only. Yes, rows and rows of Post-its could be just the thing your living-room wall needs to take it to the next level in home decor. But you do not want to get fired for taking Post-its. It’s not only wrong, it’s pathetic.

� Arrive on time and never sneak out early. Yes, everybody else does, and they also manage to go off on three personal “appointments” throughout the day, but you can’t. Sorry. Nosy eyes are watching. They want to get every half-penny they can out of you.

� That timeless advice to dress like the job you want to have is true. So unless the job you want is to be future hostess of “Girls Gone Wild,” no belly shirts and/or thong-flaunting pants in the office. As for guys, just don’t look scary. That’s all.

� If the boss asks you to go to lunch with the group, you have to go. It’s the law. You will not be able to enjoy a single bite of sustenance, but, hey, maybe they’ll pay, which means you can afford that 100-watt light bulb you’ve had your eye on.

� Don’t be fooled by those cubicle “walls”: Everybody can hear your personal conversations. Refrain from such comments as, “Kill me now for taking this gig,” or “I’m just glad I found out early how horrible this profession is, unlike all of these lifetime losers around here.”

� Most companies provide employees the use of the Internet. You can get away with periodically checking Yahoo or eBay, but don’t be like that guy in the commercial who surfs so much he reaches the end of the Internet. This would raise what office types like to call “a red flag.”

� Learn the art of looking busy. Looking busy when one is not � that is truly a job.

� As your internship � incarceration? � comes to an end, politely inquire about actual jobs the company has open � ones that offer decent pay for doing the same work you’ve been doing for approximately 42 cents a day (before taxes).

The boss:

� Repeat after me: “The intern is not my slave. The intern is not my slave.”

� Don’t even look at the intern in that way. Strictly business should come out of that fish mouth of yours. And tell everybody else to weigh the risks of fraternizing with the help as well. How many people are there on this planet? A whole bunch, that’s how many. Pick somebody else to flirt with.

� Pay interns enough so that they won’t be tempted to reduce themselves to hoarding Sharpies as if they were lottery winnings.

� As you consider docking the intern’s pay for leaving 3.65 minutes early one day two weeks ago to visit her ailing grandmother, let us not forget that $400 dinner with your hubby that somehow ended up expensed as a “business lunch.”

� Even if the intern dresses the way you wish your kids would dress, refrain from asking where he or she shops. What if it’s the local thrift store? Then you’d feel bad and might have to pay them more, and nobody wants that, now, do we?

� Realize that the intern doesn’t all that much care to eat with you and your cronies. Unless you’re paying, of course. Whole different story.

� Consider the installation of real walls. Actual walls between people would be a handy thing.

� Maybe you should provide a few pointers on the art of looking busy when one is not at all busy.

� Give the kid a job. He or she has earned it.

� Try not to hold the intern up to a standard of Web surfing that other employees don’t have to meet. For example, don’t install a flashing light and sirens that activate the second an instant-message “emoticon” pops on his screen.

http://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/business/6199909.htm