For some reason, right now, I am in this state that I can’t really describe. But, as you read on, you’ll find out that I try to do it anyways. Go figure.
It has to do with my past. It has to do with pre-Washington Ryan. It has to deal with who I know in Minnesota and the times that we used to share. It is not about any one person, but a group of people, my friends.
It is strange, when I headed out to Seattle to go to school I never really had any thought that I would stay here, like I am now. People asked when I was looking for a job, “Are you looking in Minnesota too?” Well, honestly, no. It is not that I didn’t want to go back to Minnesota. That was not it at all. I love that state and all the friends and family I have back there. If the chance came to head back there, I would take a serious look at it. But, right now my life is here. It is in Seattle. It is with the crew. It is with those I’ve had the pleasure to meet over the past four years.
But, for some reason, today, I had this feeling that only having those past four years wasn’t enough (no offence). Something is missing. I have been more then terrible at keeping in touch with those that I moved away from in Minnesota. But, that is my fault. So, I sit here at my desk deciding on whether or not to make phone calls or write e-mails. But, to me, there is this point where conversation is just downright awkward. It is just strange. Do you call them? What do you say? Really, it’s like starting all over. You can discuss all the times that you had before, but the conversation just, at times, can’t take off. You want to talk, but at times you just cannot relate at all. You’ve lost touch. You no longer know what they like and dislike, who they’ve become, what music they like, simple stuff like that. I used to know that, but now I rely on social networking software to inform me of that. Doesn’t that just seem strange?
Maybe it is this string of e-mails I’ve been getting from old friends. I bet that’s it. I feel out of touch and it is driving me nuts. I am controlling, you all know that, and I hate not knowing. I hate being on the outside. But, this is all really out of my hands while at the same time being driven completely by me. Strange, huh?
I’m not writing this to elicit any sort of response, or to get this epiphany overnight, but it is merely me venting about how I feel. I’m looking forward to a phone call from an old friend and I think that I need to start making some calls to others. Not to “save” the friendship, but to just see what’s going on. But, I don’t know at this point. Is there a point where it comes off as saving when you mean for it to be informing? That’s really what is holding me back. Yeah, it’s me holding me back. What’s up with that?